It never changed, he thought. Thick with loss and as strong as the heart that once defied it, the smell of death never changed.
“Oh god…” Came a muffled choke from Major Carter.
Teal’c had been witness to many battles. Many of which were started by his own staff weapon. Many of which, he could never ask forgiveness for.
Not because he feared he would not receive it.
…but because he could never accept it.
Not in his heart.
Not where it hurt the most.
Standing on the shoreline of destruction, Teal’c watched as the survivors still mourned, and the fires still burned over land the Tydens once considered safe… once considered home.
Waves of grief echoed through the fields in place of laughter.
Pools of blood gathered instead of children at play.
And for what??
No one truly understood.
Not even DanielJackson.
And this was most unsettling to Teal’c.
Because now his friend lay unconscious and under the watchful eye of his self appointed guardian…
And the Tydens might not be who they believed them to be.
~~~~~~~~~~
~// “No. No. No.”
Daniel took his blue crayon and crossed out what he had just written.
They could do that any old day.
For the better part of the afternoon, Daniel had been sitting under his friends’ colorful wings trying to figure out what he and his parents could do on his ‘special day’ …which just happened to be right around the corner.
There really was tons to do.
…but nothing that he hadn’t done before.
He’s already been to all of the tourist attractions, museums and parks in the city, at least twice in the short time they’ve been there. So what does that leave?
Sitting cross legged, Daniel leaned over and rested his chin in his hand. “Hmmm…”
It had to be good. He thought, as he drummed his fingers across his cheek. It had to be…special. But it also couldn’t be too much, because his parents were setting up the cover stones the same day and would probably be a little tired…though they’d never admit it.
“Hmmmmm. What to do? What. To. Dooooo?”
Sighing and tapping his blue crayon, Daniel bit his lips and looked to the swirling rainbow above his head for advice. “What would you do?” //~
~~~~~~~~~~
“Wha…?”
Awareness started to seep into Daniel’s mind-- like the hall light through the cracks of your closed bedroom door…offering him security, but not clarity.
There was something…
He knew he was in the infirmary, but he couldn’t remember why.
He felt like something was missing, but he didn’t know what.
Slowly opening his eyes, Daniel’s sight rested on a very concerned looking Colonel O’Neill.
“Daniel?”
Must have been bad. he thought, judging by the tone of his friend’s voice.
“Yeaaah…?” he whispered cautiously, surprised by the weakness his own held.
“How ya feelin?”
Good question.
Daniel took a second to ponder. He was a little sore here and there, but… “Kaaay…you?”
“Ahh…” Jack puffed out his cheeks and slowly let the air slip between his lips. “…having a bit of a bad hair day actually.”
Daniel raised his eyebrows “Oh…well…it…”
“…happens.” They said in unison.
“Right…um…” Jack cleared his throat and Daniel thought, ‘uh-oh.’
“Daniel…what’s the last thing you remember?” He was asked gently.
Looking up at his best friend and commanding officer, Daniel’s stomach knotted. There was something in his eyes... There was something in Jack’s eyes that told him that whatever he’s been through… wasn’t in the least bit good.
And that whatever he’s been through…shook Jack enough to put fear where it usually didn’t reside.
Double ‘uh-oh’.
After regarding his friend for a second, trying to figure out what could have possibly put that unguarded fear there; Daniel closed his own eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose. Then swallowing the panic that had unexpectedly enveloped him, he sought out the answer they both searched for…
…and like fingernails to the soul, he found it.
“Annie!” he cried, shooting up in bed and chasing the breath that had suddenly abandoned him.
He remembered it!
He remembered it all!
God, he felt her die!
He FELT her die!
“Daniel! Easy!”
He could feel Jack rubbing his back. He could hear the worry in his pleas, begging him to calm down.
But it was taking all he had just to breathe.
Oh God!
Losing focus on everything but the memory, his veins surged with its pain and his heart was left frantically trying to keep up with the flow.
And he remembered!
He remembered!
Oh God!
He remembered…
He died with her.
~~~~~~~~~~
“Doc!”
God, Daniel, Breathe!
“DOC!”
The terror suffocating his friend’s face threatened to rip Jack in two.
“Daniel! Daniel, come on, look at me!” he pleaded, placing one hand over the younger man’s cheek and one over his quaking shoulder, which Daniel immediately latched onto as he gasped for breath--his eyes wide with fear and confusion.
“Look at me.” Jack whispered this time.
The urgent clicking of heels announced the arrival of help, but Jack held up a hand to hold them off, as Daniel’s tear filled eyes slowly rose to meet his.
God those eyes…
The pain they held was threatening to spill over onto Jack’s hand and it would no doubt burn a hole right through his heart.
“Daniel…” he eased, as the tremors running through the younger man forced him to tighten his grip. “I’ve got you. I’m right here. Okay? I need you to take a deep breath.”
Instantly trusting, Daniel nodded and closed his eyes. Shaking even harder in his attempts to rein both, his emotions and the breath Jack spoke of in. As he did so, a drop of warm salty pain finally broke free and plopped onto Jack’s hand. Slowly trailing its sorrow down around his palm and along his wrist, it seeped into his veins and headed straight for his heart…
…and suddenly, Jack was powerless against the urge to hold him.
“Aw, c’mere.”
Keeping the anchored hand on Daniel’s shoulder, Jack brought his other arm around his friend’s back and pulled him in, resting his chin on the archaeologist’s head.
Daniel didn’t resist. He simply kept his hold on Jack’s arm, which was awkwardly secured now against his own chest and let Janet check him over.
This time, when Janet looked to Jack…Jack was the one who helplessly shook his head.
So powerless, he thought.
He couldn’t fight for him…
There were no triggers to pull.
He couldn’t protect him…
There were no demons to slay.
All he could do was hold him…
…and not let go.
~~~~~~~~~~
It was heartbreaking. Totally and completely heartbreaking…and near impossible to bear.
She had seen it countless times in her profession.
But it never got easier.
Janet cursed her fingers as they trembled slightly in her task. She was a doctor. Her movements were to be precise, her hands, solid. They were not to reflect the quivering of her own heart.
…they couldn’t.
…they mustn’t.
But they did.
As she checked his vitals, Daniel just stared blankly ahead. Allowing her to touch him, just as he allowed Jack to rock him.
He was breathing easier now, but she was concerned that he wasn’t aware of his surroundings. However, when she went to remove his grip from the Colonel’s arm, he latched on tighter and looked to her as if he were pleading for his very life.
“He’s fine. I’ve got him.” Jack whispered hoarsely, when he saw that she was at a loss.
Stifling the urge to put a comforting hand over the archaeologist’s cheek, Janet nodded and forced strength into her voice. “Okay, sir. I’ll give you two a minute.”
Picking up his chart, she solemnly watched as her friend took a shuddering breath and finally closed his eyes against his C.O.’s chest.
…and she wanted to scream.
She wanted to cry.
She wanted to throw things across the room and damn whomever or whatever was responsible for this man’s pain.
Instead, she squared her shoulders and made her way to the only place she could find her resolve…her office. Forcing her eyes closed against an onslaught of tears when she heard a whimper from behind her and the hushed voice of a soothing friend.
No, she thought. It never did get easier…
…to see a strong man, broken. ~~~~~~~~~~
Tremors invaded his body. Rippling through his fingertips, up his arms and across his shoulders, they spread through Jack like poison.
Daniel was still shaking.
Holding his friend tighter, in a feeble attempt to absorb as much of the painful quakes as he possibly could, Jack cursed the universe and bet that he wasn’t the only one.
Damn it.
Not that he wasn’t thankful that Janet had let Daniel calm down on his own…but he was still shaking.
“Sssshhh” he soothed at a faint whimper.
Accepting a blanket from the nurse and securing it around Daniel with one hand, Jack thought back to the last time his friend let him comfort him in such a way…
When Shyla got him addicted to that damn sarcophagus.
He was so out of his mind with pain and misery…he was so close to falling apart, that he actually let Jack hold him together…and he’s been struggling to keep him in one piece ever since.
“What’s happening to me?” Though it was barely loud enough to hear, it resonated loudly within the older man’s chest. Jack closed his eyes and cursed his helplessness. It was the question he’d been asking himself for the last twenty-four hours and he found himself no where closer to the answer.
“I don’t know,” he finally managed with a sigh. “but we’ll find out.” Hugging his best friend tighter and bringing his cheek to rest against the top of his head, Jack whispered the only hope he had been able to grasp onto. “So help me, we’ll figure it out and fix it.”
~~~~~~~~~~
~//“But what if you can’t fix it?” Daniel asked. His bright tear filled orbs pleading with his father’s.
“Ahhh, Danny.” Sitting on the rooftop, Dr. Melborne Jackson soothingly stroked his son’s hair with one hand and cradled an injured dove in the other. “it’s only a broken wing…still, we’ll let the veterinarian see to taping it up.”
This didn’t put Daniel anymore at ease. “Will it hurt him?” his little voice asked.
Dr. Jackson’s heart ached for his son, not for the first time since he found him in his hide-a-way cradling the broken bird. “I won’t lie to you Danny. Sometimes healing is even more painful than the injury itself.”
“But why?” he asked softly, running a hand across his tear-filled eyes.
“Well…I guess sometimes…sometimes the pain runs deeper than the eye can see.”
Daniel looked up at his father and crinkled his brow. “But…where does it run?” he asked seriously.
Smiling at the every present thirst for knowledge; Dr. Jackson struggled to find words that would satisfy his brilliant seven year old.
“Well, I guess…I guess it runs where the memories flow. Where he soared above the city and danced on the air with his family and friends.” He spoke gently, as he watched a swarm of beautiful butterflies circle overhead. “There’s a chance he may never be able to do that again, Danny.”
Lightly petting the dove’s head with his finger, Daniel absorbed his father’s harsh but true words with a heavy heart. “But…how can he be a bird if he can’t fly?”
Looking back down, Dr. Jackson caught a tear and kissed the top of his son’s head. Then wrapping an arm around his legacy, he leaned in and whispered in his ear. “Well I guess he’ll just have to find something else that will make him soar.” //~
~~~~~~~
He wanted to believe him. He ached to believe him…but right now, he just couldn’t. Not when he felt so empty and hopeless…
…not when he could still feel death lingering on his very soul.
Daniel had felt the world tremble with Annie’s loss…and it was more painful than his own death. It tore at his heart like the radiation poisoning did to his body and left an emptiness that still resounded within him.
He had felt her pain.
He had trembled from her fear.
And he couldn’t save her…so he died with her.
God what’s happening to me?
He tried to loosen the grip he had on Jack…even after Janet tried too, but couldn’t bring himself to do it.
He felt like it was the only thing keeping him in the infirmary. He felt like Jack’s arm, was the only thing keeping him from falling into the black hole he teetered so very close to the edge of.
He knew it was irrational…still he couldn’t overcome it.
…and he was terrified because he died tonight…
He died tonight …and he swore he could still hear the wolf baying at the door.
~~~~~~~~~~
“Oh god…”
Upon stepping through the gate, Samantha Carter had to cover her nose and swallow the bile that had suddenly risen to the back of her throat; for the wave of death hit her with such a force it nearly knocked her back.
All of her years of experience could never have prepared her for this. Nothing could have prepared her for this.
It was one thing to see death…it was another to smell it.
SG-3 and 5 were already offering relief…but it still wasn’t enough. There were just too many bodies and too many loved ones not willing to let go.
There were just…there were just too many bodies.
Removing her hand and steadying her resolve, Carter reached into the side pocket of her pack and cleared her throat. “Let’s start over there, Teal’c,” she said, gesturing to the west with a nod of her head. “hopefully Juni won’t be far from where we left him.”
Teal’c’s slight bow in her direction told Sam all that she needed to know.
He heard her. And he was ready.
But was he really?
Was she?
What if they couldn’t find help for Daniel?
What if they couldn’t even figure out what was happening to him?
Worse...
What if they couldn’t stop it?
God…
Letting out a breath she hadn’t known she was holding, Carter closed her eyes.
I can’t think like that. she thought.
And when she opened them again to the endless sea of grief, she spoke aloud. “I won’t.”
Teal’c raised his eyebrows, confused at her declaration, but did not say anything.
It wasn’t until Carter looked up at him that she realized she had spoken it.
But it didn’t matter.
Because she didn’t care.
“Let’s go.” She spoke in a voice that betrayed her doubts.
…and so putting on the masks the SG units recommended they bring, Carter and Teal’c stepped down into the murky waters of despair in search of hope for their friend.
~~~~~~~~~~
Daniel had finally fallen asleep, so Jack thought it would be safe to lie him back down.
He had thought wrong.
The second he did, Daniel bolted up screaming and grabbing blindly.
“Sssh, hey, it’s alright. I’m right here.” Jack eased, grabbing his friend’s shoulders, just as he latched onto Jack’s sleeves.
“Jack?” Daniel cried breathlessly, frantically trying to focus on the concerned brown eyes before him.
“Right here.” he soothed, squeezing his shoulders. “Right here.”
Closing his eyes, Daniel took a deep breath and nodded. “Kay, sorry.”
“For what? What just happened?”
Keeping one hand clenched around the fabric of his friend’s sleeve, Daniel let himself be ease back down onto the pillow. They both noticed at the same time his reluctance to let go, but neither said anything.
“Daniel?” Jack prodded gently. He was relieved to see him calmer and a bit more lucid…but he didn’t like the dejected look in his eyes.
He didn’t know that dejected look was because Daniel was finally starting to realize what had happened…and he was absolutely terrified to learn what it meant.
Watching as his friend tried to compose himself, Jack had to clench his fists to keep from screaming. It was a scene he was all too familiar with. It was a scene that infuriated him. It was a scene…that constantly reminded him that it was never enough.
That it would never be enough.
That no matter how hard he tried…
Daniel would always be left pulling the pieces back together that Jack couldn’t keep in place.
“Do…” Daniel started, taking a deep unsteady breath and shaking Jack out of his reverie.
“Do you remember me telling you in the car that I felt ‘torn’?”
For some reason, Jack’s voice didn’t want to work. “Yeeaah.” He finally managed to croak out. He cleared his throat.
Daniel forced another deep breath and looked at Jack briefly before resting his sight on the ceiling. “Something’s happening to me, Jack…something…”
“What?” he urged, his heart pounding faster and faster as he tried to prepare himself.
“Ever since I woke up last night after…after what happened on the planet, I’ve felt…out of place. I feel like I’m…I’m being pulled at in all different directions. And…” Still staring at the ceiling, Daniel absently started playing with the fringes on his blanket and Jack swallowed…hard.
“…And I felt Annie die, Jack,” he finally whispered hoarsely, as the tears rushed to the surface. “I felt the knife plunge into her body as if it were my own.”
Instead of raised eyebrows and a sarcastic remark, Jack’s mouth suddenly went dry. “Wha?” Half of him was trying to comprehend what his friend was saying, while the other half was already two jumps ahead denying what he was about to hear.
No…
“And I knew…I knew where she was. It was like…her pain was pulling me towards her, Jack. And even if I wanted to…there was nothing I could do to stop it.”
“…even…even when she died…I…it was like my…my soul wouldn’t let go of hers.”
PLEASE…
Jack’s voice was hesitant and so soft he could barely hear it himself. “What are you saying, Daniel?”
“I…” the younger man croaked, staring off into a place Jack feared was going to take a long time to get him back out of. “I died with her…”
No…
NO…
~~~~~~~~~~
~// “Don’t be silly, Danny.”
“Moooom, I’m serious.”
“Aliens?”
“Yes!”
They got on the topic of how the pyramids were built while eating supper and Daniel decided to let them in on his ‘theory’.
…they weren’t taking it so well.
“But why aliens, Danny?” his father asked, squeezing through the doorway, carrying empty plates over Daniel’s head as he walked towards the sink.
“Because it makes the most sense!” Daniel went on defending his theory with his hands dancing through the air before landing on his hips. However, when he remembered his parents saying how cute he looked when he went into full blown lecture mode, he immediately dropped them to his side and sighed.
Leaning against the counter drying their hands, Claire and Mel smiled at their son. They’d never be able to fully express how truly proud they were of him for being able to think on his own…even if it were ‘outside the box’.
“Danny…” his mother started.
Daniel jutted out his chin and crossed his arms. He knew what was coming.
Smiling even wider, the Jacksons spoke in unison. “We agree.”
Okay…maybe he didn’t know what was coming.
Daniel’s jaw dropped. “You…you do?” he stammered.
“Yes” A dual answer.
“But…but why were you acting…”
“We just wanted to see if you’d be ready to defend it, honey.” Claire walked over to her son and kissed him on his cheek. “But, enough of this for now. It’s late,” turning him around and lightly smacking him on the rear, she added. “go get ready for bed. Your father and I will be in shortly to read.”
With a yelp and a giggle, Daniel grabbed his butt and headed down the hall.
When he reached the bathroom, he turned back towards the kitchen and rested his cheek against the door frame. Smiling, he realized that he wasn’t really all that surprised that his parents believed him.
They were, after all, his parents.
They were, after all... the ones who gave him his wings. //~
~~~~~~~~~~
Jack sighed and scrubbed his face with his hand.
God, this can’t be real.
This can’t…
He wanted to ask Daniel if he was sure…
…then he remembered the look in his eyes when he told him.
He was sure.
He wanted to ask him if he was okay…
...but Daniel’s knuckles were white as they clenched onto the fabric of Jack’s sleeve and he had one arm thrown over his eyes.
He wasn’t.
Damnit.
He wanted to ask ‘how’.
He wanted to ask ‘why’.
Ultimately though, he wanted to dismiss it as a crazy notion, one too many hits on the head, one too many trips to the sarcophagus, hell…one too many deaths.
…but really, when was Daniel ever wrong?
God…
“Daniel…”
“Jack…” Cutting him off, Daniel kept his face hidden, as he forced the rest of the words out. “I…I literally felt myself being torn from my body…and…and I couldn’t get back.” Daniel’s voice cracked and tore Jack in two. “And I couldn’t get back!”
Stealing a moment to pull himself together, Jack still found himself dizzy from the reality of the situation.
Regardless, he pushed on through the blinding surreality.
“Hey, it’s alright.” he soothed, pulling the archaeologist’s arm away from his face. “You’re back now, Daniel. You hear me?”
God, what am I saying?
Turning his head away, Daniel unsuccessfully tried to bite back the tears.
“Am I?” he croaked.
“Hey…look at me.”
God, this can’t really be happening.
Trying not to notice the tears sliding down his best friend’s bruised cheeks, Jack gently grabbed Daniel’s chin and brought it around to face him. “Yes, Daniel. You are.”
You are…
As if searching for truth in his words, the archaeologist’s haunted eyes studied his C.O. And after a few seconds, Jack’s worry meter was kicked up another notch. “Daniel?”
He was looking at him like that again. Like a little boy holding his hand out to his father to help him across the deep part of the river.
Will he drop me?
Would he let go?
He hoped his friend knew the answer.
After what seemed like an eternity, Daniel finally nodded against Jack’s hand and took a steadying breath.
Jack nodded as well and gently patted his cheek. “Good.”
Good.
“So umm…” Pulling his hand away and clearing his throat, Jack looked down and started playing with the edge of the mattress, which gave Daniel the opportune time to wipe off his face. “how did you get back?” he finished, looking back up at his friend.
Leave it to Jack to ask the million dollar questions.
“I…”Daniel’s eyebrows furrowed as he held his breath and thought. “I’m not actually sure, but…”
“Ah, Doctor Jackson.” Janet greeted, coming up beside him and gently taking his wrist in her hands. “How are you feeling?”
“Okay.” he answered automatically.
“Daniel.” Jack admonished.
“Little sore”
“Where does it hurt?” she asked immediately. Concern was evident in Janet’s voice. Concern for a good friend…not for a patient.
“Oh, um…just my back and face a bit.” he stated, suddenly realizing that he still had his fingers wrapped around Jack’s sleeve.
“Nothing else? Are you sure?” she prodded.
“Um…yep.” At least ‘sure’ that there’s nothing else your medicine will be able to fix.
“Okay, Daniel. I’ll have the nurse bring you something.”
“Thank you.”
“Welcome. Is there anything else you need?” she added, picking up his chart.
Yeah, he thought, answers and something to cut the cord that seems to have formed overnight between me and Jack.
Not that he didn’t appreciate all that his friend has done for him, but for crying out loud! As of late, he can barely let go of him without freaking out!
Speaking of which…
Using all of his strength, Daniel slowly released his hold and studied Jack wearily. He honestly expected to be sucked straight from the room.
“No. No thanks, Janet.” he finally answered, still looking at his friend.
This is just too weird.
Jack pretended he didn’t notice…he wanted to give the man some dignity. “Daniel…you said that you felt the knife go into her like it was going into your own body, but you don’t have any knife wounds.” Looking up at Frasier he added, “Does he, Doc?”
“Ah, no…there’s no evidence of that kind of traum…” Janet paused and looked at Jack confused. “I’m sorry, what did you say, sir?”
“Daniel says that he felt the knife go into her and that’s how he found her. He followed her…um…” Jack’s hand circled the air, as he searched for a word that wouldn’t make him sound insane.
“Pain.” Daniel offered.
“Right…pain.” he continued, clearing his throat…again. “Anyway, he also said that it actually felt like he was being…pulled from his body when it happened.”
Jack’s statement caused the archaeologist to wince. Though not from the ache the knife left behind…but from the memory of the last time he saw Annie alive.
She was so terrified and in so much pain, still, she actually thought he could save her...
But he couldn’t save anyone…not even himself.
Janet looked at him incredulously. “You….?”
“Yes.” Daniel answered tersely, bringing his hands up to pyramid his nose. “I don’t know how to explain it…but yes. And Jack…” he continued slapping his hands back down into his lap. “I’m assuming you got the guy.”
“Yeah, Daniel… he’s dead.”
Closing his eyes and tilting his head back, Daniel couldn’t hold back his sigh of relief. He didn’t wish death on anyone…but right now…right now, he also couldn’t pretend he was sorry… Now his neighborhood could finally sleep.
Now he had one less thing to worry about.
“Aa!” Jumping up and grabbing his thigh, Daniel glared. “Ow! Janet! Why the…?” However, upon seeing the shocked expression on his doctor’s face--who was standing a few feet away from him, the younger man froze.
“What?” Jack looked between the two, confused.
“I…uh…”Janet actually had to shake her head to recover from her shock induced stare. “I just poked myself in the thigh with this safety pin, sir.” she stated, pulling the object out of her pocket.
Staring wide eyed at the doctor, Daniel sat back in his bed. “And I felt it.”
DISCLAIMER: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author.