"The Colonel Who Couldn't Hold His..." written by: Dragonfly
“Jack, I’m fine.”
Jack had been listening to a certain archaeologist whine for the last ten miles. “Daniel, when was the last time you ate? Candy bars and coffee do not count.” he added, when Daniel started to answer and was rewarded with an indignant expression across his linguist face as he slowly closed his mouth.
“That’s what I thought.” Jack knew for a fact that Daniel had been trying to change the face of the “Food Pyramid” for many years now. Forget bread, cereal, rice and pasta. The base of Daniel’s pyramid was caffeine and chocolate.
“Jack it’s 12:30 in the morning. Where are we going to get something to eat anyway?”
Daniel was tired.
Tired.
Tired.
Tired…and inches from figuring out the translation he had been working on for days. SG-5 brought back a gold medallion LAST week and Daniel still had yet to figure it out.
It was just a simple piece on a gold chain, with very few markings…bastardized markings...but just a few…and it had Daniel stumped. There weren’t even any clues, on the world, or, on the artifact that would give so much as a hint, as to which god it might have belonged to. Though, taking a wild guess, going solely on instinct- he’d say it belonged to some kind of fertility god.
Regardless, he really, REALLY needed to figure it out…and soon. It may not unlock the secrets of the universe. It probably won’t even present means to protect the planet. But, so help him, it would give him peace of mind and a certain Mother Colonel off of his back.
“Aahh, no worries there.” Mother Co… Jack reassured. “I know a sweet little place open 24/7 where, I am sure, even you will be able to find something to your liking.”
Jack himself was starving. Nasty, no-good-for-nothing paperwork sucked him dry of nutrients and kept him up way past his bedtime. Forget the Stargate. Every stack of paperwork should come equipped with its own word of caution.
“WARNING: PAPERWORK DANGEROUS TO YOUR HEALTH! KNOWN TO CAUSE MALNURITMENT, INSOMNIA AND IRRITABILITY! PROCEED AT THE RISK OF LOSING YOUR SANITY!”
Yeah right! Like he could put in a request for that. He can’t even get his memos.
On his way out, he decided to head over to the commissary to get a quick bite to satisfy his stomach, until something more substantial came along. That’s where he found Daniel, slumped over, in front of the coffee machine. Watching, unblinking, as it spilled its precious liquid into, what Daniel commonly refers to as, “The Lazarus Bowl”.
Jack figured that his must be broken…again. Daniel went through coffee makers like he went through lives. However, unlike the ‘Powers-that-be’…or… whatever, the manufacturers of said coffee machines, refused to repair or replace those that have been unfortunate enough to be purchased by the rather dependent archaeologist…
…because, as they repeatedly informed his young friend, the warranties only fall under “Normal Use”.
And that definitely would not fall under Daniel’s use of the stimulant.
~~~~~~~~~~
Daniel had to admit. He was impressed. A restaurant open 24 hours a day, - who had rather descent food.
Never mind it took them an hour to get here.
He hadn’t realized how hungry he actually was until he took the first bite out of his juicy cheeseburger. Devouring it, along with a large order of fries and a chocolate shake in record time, Daniel now sat back. His stomach content, while his mind still battled over the elusive translation…well, at least it tried.
Between the increasingly obnoxious bar crowd and the large group of women in rather… exotic attire that kept laughing and looking his way, Daniel had trouble concentrating. And then there was Jack…the greatest enigma in the known galaxies. (And he meant that)
Jack had opted for the tasty-not-so-fatless route himself and ordered the same thing…however, he, unlike Daniel, was still savoring his. Watching him, Daniel couldn’t believe how absolutely, ridiculously sloppy his “Commanding Officer” was…especially when eating sooo slow.
Becoming aware of the scrutiny, Jack lifted his head. “What?” he asked around, what Daniel could only assume was a mouthful of fries. It honestly looked like his friend just scooped up a load of ketchup and sucked it into his mouth.
“Nothing.” Daniel raised his eyebrows and was surprised by the defensive high-pitch his voice suddenly took on.
Jack simply shrugged and turned his full attention back to saving the French fries…that were drowning in a sea of ketchup. “Mmmm, freeennch ffrriiess”, he Homer’d, before stuffing another wad in his mouth and wiping the red and greasy residue from his fingers and chin on the overly abused napkin.
~~~~~
Savoring the last of his shake, Jack eyed his favorite archaeologist. Daniel was obviously in deep concentration mode…well, at least trying to be. Girly giggles from his right had him sighing every ten seconds.
And Jack would bet his entire “Simpsons” collection on VHS, that Daniel was absolutely clueless that the ladies where actually lusting over him, instead of actually laughing at him. He was trying to figure out who he could con into the bet, when his friend screamed.
~~~~~~~~~~
Part Two
The tires hummed down the warm pavement, taking forever, in Jack’s opinion, getting them home. Daniel still hadn’t said a word since…the…restaurant. But Damnit! It wasn’t Jack’s fault! It was a reaction! Daniel screamed and he reacted. He always reacted when Daniel yelled. Okay…so not usually…or actually, ever… (that he could think of) in this manner. And okay, so…it wasn’t one of his finest moments…BUT FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! It was Daniel that had every Tom, Maggie and Jerry staring at them, NOT Jack!
As far as he was concerned, it was his ever-so-refined-linguist’s fault. NOT his. Still, stealing another nervous glance at his friend, who was scooted down in the passenger seat with his arms wrapped protectively around him, Jack thought it would be best to apologize now and get it over with.
Stopping at a light, that Jack wondered why the hell wasn’t blinking at three o’clock in the morning; he dropped his hands into his lap and looked back over at the slightly amusing appearance of his best friend.
Daniel was clearly pouting as he, for the millionth time, tried to clean his glasses. The archaeologist wasn’t even aware that the warm breeze had plastered his wet hair into itty-bitty spikes all along his forehead.
Jack cleared his throat to stifle a laugh. “Listen…Da…”
Daniel huffed, as he gave up and pocketed the glasses…but not before throwing another piece of paper onto the floor.
Okaay. Well, that’s not going to earn me any brownie points. Jack thought before continuing. “I’m sorry if you’re mad…but…”
“I’m not mad.” Daniel interrupted. “Just a little… disconcerted.”
“Oh…well, good.” Jack was, to say the least, relieved…however now, a little confused. “Um…but, why? I mean, why the other thing…dis…”
“Disconcerted.” Daniel supplied, as he recrossed his arms in front of his chest.
“Yeah, that!” Jack slightly gestured with his hand.
“Um…well, you see…I was thinking.” Daniel briefly paused to see if his friend was rolling his eyes. Pleased that he wasn’t, he continued. “You are a Colonel of the United States Air Force, correct?”
Jack had a feeling he was walking into a trap. “Yeess”
“And you used to be in black-ops, correct?”
God help him. “Yeess” he drawled out cautiously.
Daniel brought a finger up- a sure sign that he was entering lecture mode. “And I know for a fact, just from the time I’ve known you, that you’ve been tortured for information. Information that you never sp…”
“DANIEL!”
“Jack! I’m just saying…for crying…” Daniel immediately bit his lips when he realized what was about to escape from them and risked a glance at his friend.
No doubt his eyebrows where raised in utter surprise.
Taking a steadying breath, Daniel continued. “…I’m…I’m just saying Jack, that you were in special ops. You survived by controlling your reactions and you couldn’t even…”
“Daniel,” Jack’s tone was much softer this time. “I said I was sorry.”
Silence engulfed the vehicle as the lights changed…again. Jack figured for at least the third time. Guess it’s a good thing we’re the only jack…asses out this late.
Jack looked down and started to pick the dirt, which he couldn’t even see in the dark, from under his fingernails. “I…I gave you my napkin.” he whispered apprehensively.
Daniel stared at him wide-eyed as he imagined the filth, formerly known as a napkin, being handed to him.
“Hey!” Jack was getting defensive and looked hard at his friend. “I wasn’t the one that, out of the clear blue, threw my arms in the air and screamed, “I’m fuc…”
“I know what I screamed, Jack!”
“…able.”
Daniel gave a warning glance. “And…and, so yes! It was a bit…”
“Uncharacteristic? Unsettling? Bothersome? Spank me Rosie and call the Doctor cause there is definitely something alien going on here?!” Jack offered.
Daniel bowed his head. “Yes, I guess. But the answer…the translation just came to me! I couldn’t help it. I didn’t actually realize what I was saying.” he tried to explain, looking desperately at his friend.
Jack took pity…kinda. “You may have not realized what you were saying Dannyboy, but those that were actually in the building…or in a mile radius of it, including the Cabana Girls, knew exactly what you were saying.”
“But I didn’t mean that!” Daniel whined, as he turned beat red and threw his arms up, shedding dozens of little pieces of paper in the process.
Jack blew out a puff of air as he turned to watch the lights change…again. As entertaining as this night had been…it would take them both an eternity to get over the embarrassment of it. Because, unfortunately and surprisingly, they had not been the only members of the SGC present.
Poor Daniel would be picking phone numbers out of his clothes the rest of the morning. Right. My heart bleeds.
And Jack, himself, would be known, from now on, as “The Colonel who couldn’t hold his shake”.
Of course, Jack thought, as he finally eased on the gas and heard his friend whisper another dejected, “I didn’t mean thaaat”, perhaps it was worth it.
Jack grinned mischievously. After all, how often does one get the chance to create a milkshake outline of your best friend, on the wall of a popular restaurant?
… … … … … … … … … … … …
“It was the translation...”
Hmmm…maybe I should have signed the impromptu…art…“Daniel a`la mode.”
End
**Just a little bit of silliness loosely based on an actual event in my life. lol
DISCLAIMER: All characters and property of Stargate SG-1 belong to MGM/UA, World Gekko Corp. and Double Secret Productions. This fan fiction was created solely for entertainment and no money was made from it. Also, no copyright or trademark infringement was intended. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Any other characters, the storyline and the actual story are the property of the author. Any songs or quotes are also not mine. I’m just using their beauty for entertainment.